Kiss me on my open mouth.

Mostly, I look at my Tumblr feed and I think “ah, I know some awesome people.” Sometimes, however, somebody will post something and I will wonder what the fuck the connection between me and this person is supposed to be. And I don’t mean that in a “hey, it’s a little odd that me and this person should be following each other on Tumblr- fancy that” kind of a way. There are some things that have been turning up in my Tumblr feed lately that haven’t just baffled me but have actually left me going “what the fuck is this shit doing here? Surely nobody who reads my blog would post something this fucking dumb”. No, I’m not going to be naming names. For a start, there are so few that doing so would turn this from a general bit of observational, psuedo-comedic fluff into a personal attack, and I don’t want to do that.

Besides, this first one goes out to all of you: that Willy Wonka meme has had it’s motherfucking day. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky, but just to make sure we’re all on the same page here and people aren’t thinking of something totally different, here’s an explanation: there’s a series of snappy sarcastic assertions doing the rounds backed by a photograph of a really smug-looking guy in a purple suit who I think is Willy Wonka from the original version of the film Charlie and the Chocolate Factory(I’m not 100% sure on account of having less tedious information to store in my memory). Slogans include “Oh, you don’t shop at Wal-Mart? Please tell me how it feels to be rich” and “You want me to stop judging people? I should take lessons from you.” Now, whether or not the jokes have a point, or even make sense, isn’t really relevant. The point is that the photograph has been used tofucking death and it isn’t a good enough meme to keep repeating. It’s funny the first, maybe, five times. After that you just start to feel like you’re being lectured by a smug cunt, ‘cause that’s exactly what the photo looks like. Y’all should stop postin’ this shit before I reach through the screen and go upside yo heads.

Another thing that’s been winding me up a little of late is the posting of optimistic aphorisms about weightloss. Personal favorite so far has to be the picture of a woman jogging with the slogan “It takes 4 weeks to see your body changing. It takes 8 weeks for friends and family. It takes 12 for the rest of the world. Keep going.” Well guess what, it takes less than 4 seconds to say “fuck body fascism!” and what’s more, you won’t have pulled a muscle and made yourself look like a sweaty retard in the process. I think the reason I get offended by this isn’t so much that I object to folks going on diets or exercise regimens (I don’t really- I just laugh at them instead), so much as that it comes from one of my followers. Why would you, as someone who considers themselves overweight, follow a Fat Acceptance blog and then endorse the weightloss culture? The implication is that this person wants to feel better about their body, by listening to people like me tell them it’s okay to be plus size but still, ultimately, wants to be part of the world where fatness is reviled. Well, as much as I fucking love cake, I feel compelled to point out that you can’t have your cake and eat it. I am not here for anyone’s personal fucking comfort. I am not here so that people who still buy into society’s fat-phobic bullshit can take a holiday in the world of body acceptance for their own wellbeing before leaving me and the rest of the cause to go and promote the weightloss culture in their fucking blog. It’s hypocritical and I’m not happy with the idea that this blog is being implicated in that hypocrisy. Don’t get me wrong: there are plenty of people linked to the Fat Acceptance movements who keep their own bodies in trim, but the difference is that they do so quietly and don’t feel the need to propagate and advertise weightloss-culture rhetoric to others, effectively adding to the collective voice that tells fat people they’re not good enough (sometimes subtly, sometimes not so subtly) when they’re meant to be part of a cause that rejects that worldview. AAGGGHHHH! Oh and everything I’ve just said also applies to posting fucking working regimes online.

Finally, and I admit this one isn’t actually that bad, but I need at least three for this piece to look like a proper thing, if you’re going to post pictures of celebrities, models, etc, with no slogan: please label. Not everybody knows who these are. Not everybody gives a shit. And most importantly, not everybody wants to go around for the rest of the day thinking “who was that cunt? I knowI’ve seen them somewhere before…”

Okay, that’s Hurricane Me done sweeping through your posts, blowing your self-confidence hither thither and yon and generally shakin’ shit up. You can come out from hiding now.